Sunday, February 20, 2011

About. Freaking. Time.

A break in my case - I KNOW WHAT I WANT. 
I know right? Crazy.
I've gone through phases after our fall out. 
- First, I felt mad, angry, upset. Proud of myself for letting you go, but at the same time, I hated you. Completely. 
- Then, I felt empty. I missed your friendship, your companionship. 
- Then, I considered swallowing my pride, (for no apparent reason except that it would be easier than going through all the pain) apologizing, & going back to the way things were.
- Next, I realized what I was saying. I knew you hated me, & I didn't really want anything to do with you.
- Then I decided to give you a shot. Maybe try a no-strings-attached type relationship. We'd talk when we were around eachother, but we wouldn't have out-of-school conversations or relations. 
- Then I heard about what you've been doing. & I remembered why I broke it off with you in the first place. 

So what did I get from this evaluation? 
I know that I don't want anything to do with you. You're just another face in the hallway. If I bump into you, I'll apologize, but then I'll walk away. If you offer me a cookie, & I like the kind you offered me, I'll take it. But if you text me, I won't answer. If you add me back on facebook, I'll accept you, but I won't acknowledge you unless you say something TO ME. I know what I want, now - & I feel empowered. :) 

Now - I keep rambling about knowing what I want, but I don't think I've actually SAID what I want yet. 
I want to be able to be around you. I don't want it to be awkward. I want to be able to talk to you, & have a humane conversation. I don't want it to go any further. I want to not hate you (which I don't). I don't want to deal with your drama. I want you in my life, I couldn't avoid that if I wanted to. I don't want you to take it too far. Because if you do, I know what I'll have to do. So make it easy on us both - be yourself, make your own decisions. Let me do the same. 

I feel amazing right now. It's about time I knew what I wanted. & now that I do, nothing's gonna stop me. I think I'm starting to get my happy back. :) 
--Thank you Jacob :) 
Now that I know what I need to do with this situation, I'm pretty sure I'll be just fine. It's been so long since I've felt this sure of anything. There's no way this is a mistake, & the feeling KNOWING that it ISN'T a mistake, is the best feeling ever. I've never felt that way before. & I'm pretty sure I owe ALL my happy moments to Jacob. :) 
I'm a new person, reborn. :) 
"& I dare ANYBODY try & cut my wings." :) 

- Goodnight.<33

-"Got our friends, got the night; we'll be alright. :) - travieeMccoyy. 

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